RIP Justin

I wish I had been there. I am consumed by guilt because I feel like there is something I could have done. Maybe if I had, you would still be here.

There are so many things that could have affected this awful, horrendous, heartbreaking situation. You asked the doctor for help, they turned you away. You tried to reach out to your family, to your sisters, but they didn’t understand. Your parents tried smothering you with affection and support, but it didn’t make you feel better, only worse. You got to a point where you realised that your suffering was affecting everyone around you. You thought the only way to make it all stop was to disappear. You didn’t think about the fact that the reason everyone is so affected by your pain is because you matter. You matter so much. Your pain was never an inconvenience. Now we are all left with an empty, gaping hole in our lives that will never truly be filled. Time mends pain but this kind of pain never truly goes away.

The worst part is not even your loss, but the pain you felt that lead up to it. When you passed, a fraction of the pain you felt that caused you to jump in front of that train channelled into everyone that loves you. You can’t feel that pain anymore, and hopefully you are in a better place. But for me all I can do is keep imagining how you felt as you approached the platform, as you walked through miles of fields to get there in the middle of the night. How you felt knowing it was almost Mother’s Day. And while it isn’t anything on the scale of what you felt, I feel your pain. I feel sick to my stomach, I feel like I myself just want to vanish. I compare the bubbly, bright and incredibly compassionate young boy with this boy who ended his life. They seem like two completely separate people. I think that maybe you died quite a while before your death. I think that I wasn’t around to see you deteriorate, and I will regret not being there for you for the rest of my life.

So many of my happy, childhood memories have you there. You were always there. I might not have seen you all the time, but I knew that we would be seeing each other again soon. But never again. It’s a difficult concept to grasp, that someone close to you that’s been there for your whole upbringing now ceases to exist. The very nature of death itself, to go from being a person in existence to being nothing; non-existent. This however does remind me of a theory I read about, which in some way gives me comfort. Summarised in simple terms, it states that time on Earth is linear. Past, present, future all coexist together. Certain parts of time align with certain parts of space, and they are all equally real. For example, depending on whereabouts in the universe they are, if a star billions of light years away is aligned at a certain angle that is not visible within our own dimension, it might be aligned with a part of time on Earth where Justin still exists and is happy.